As a relationship specialist, I do encounter many men and women who’re having relationship problems. Some individuals are single and are unlucky in finding happiness with the one. Others are in unhappy relationships and are seeking a way to improve their relationships. In some cases, some people I work with are looking to leave a relationship but held back by fear or guilt. And equally important are the couples I work with who’re having relationship problems. Couples who’re married and not married, but in a permanent relationship.
Now as people, we are complex beings, aren’t we?
We all come from different backgrounds, have had different childhoods. Different experiences, different beliefs, and values. Everybody has a different sense of what is right or wrong, good and bad.
And when it comes to attraction of our ideal partners, we all have different tastes.
Here are the most common relationship problems that I encounter and the solutions to them.
Attraction Strategies of Men & Women
Many relationship problems start with an attraction strategy that isn’t working for him or her (or both).
Think of an attraction strategy like a process flow of tick boxes. Consider that some people have no idea what’s in their list of tick boxes. The reason is simple. It’s locked away in the unconscious mind.
What this means is, they don’t have any conscious awareness of any of it.
Here’s an example of a bad attraction strategy.
One of my clients always felt she was attracting the kind of guy that wouldn’t show her any commitment and leave her.
I later showed my client that she feared commitment. The reason for this fear was because of an event that happened in her early childhood. Her dad left her mum. Unconsciously my client’s young mind had connected relationships with pain. Due to her experience, my client linked pain to commitment.
I call this a Complex Equivalence.
In short, my client was self-sabotaging herself and any happiness she may have from relationships.
Imagine running an attraction strategy that isn’t working for you and not knowing it’s not working for you!
Well, that has been happening for many of my clients. They don’t become aware of any of it until I help them to dig it out.
In short, I help their conscious and unconscious minds to get into rapport. When this happens, the unconscious shares this stuff with the conscious mind.
They have a “light bulb” moment. The penny drops. It’s one of those “ah-ha” moments.
I help my client to rewrite the strategy so that it works for them instead of against.
There are many similarities between my experiences and that of my clients when relationships start to fall apart.
Likewise, I started to perceive that my wife was tired of me. I often thought that she was looking at me with eyes of judgment and dissatisfaction.
As a result, I was always on edge and feeling like I had to justify myself all the time.
My wife started to believe that I wasn’t interested in her and aggravated by her so began to feel lonely in our relationship.
The truth was, none of it was real!
What was happening was that we were both becoming lost in our thoughts. Negative thoughts.
Those thoughts generated negative emotions, which then triggered even more negative thoughts. Before we knew it, it was a never ending cycle of thoughts and emotions, each compounding the other.
So eventually the experience became real. We’d become so lost in the thoughts to the extent that we didn’t realise they were just thoughts.
My advice to people having relationship problems is to start to become aware of their daily thoughts!
Notice what kinds of thoughts you’re having. And notice what kinds of emotions you’re feeling day to day.
Just notice them, to begin with.
3 Core Fears
As humans, we share the same 3 core fears. Firstly, people have a fear of not being loved. Then secondly, people fear that they’re not good enough. And thirdly, people fear that they don’t belong!
When we feel unhappy and get into a moment of insecurity, it’s because we ultimately fear something.
Most people aren’t aware of their 3 core fears. So what they believe is happening is a story.
For example, I believed that Lisa was looking at me in a negative way and therefore I felt judged.
In reality, I feared that I was no longer loved by her, that I wasn’t good enough for her and I didn’t belong to her.
If you’re having relationship problems, just recognise that you are feeding your three core fears.
Values & Beliefs
Many people believe that two people have to share the same values and beliefs to have a loving relationship.
I don’t subscribe to that at all.
I do agree, however, that a couple who do share the same values and beliefs, is a symptom of a good relationship.
But it’s not critical!
A sneeze, for example, is a symptom of a cold, but a sneeze doesn’t always mean somebody has a cold.
Sharing the same values and beliefs, therefore, doesn’t mean that a relationship will be successful. In contrast, not having the same values and beliefs doesn’t mean that a relationship will fail.
In most cases of relationship problems, it is because people misunderstand their partner’s values and beliefs.
So if you’re having relationship problems right now, it may be due to not knowing or understanding your partner’s values and beliefs. It may be because they don’t know or understand yours.
Similarly, if you don’t respect your partner’s values and beliefs and force yours on them as truth, a conflict will happen.
Take the time to learn about where your partner’s values and beliefs come from. A feeling of curiosity and willingness to learn will result.
Therefore a successful relationship will take place when you both know and respect each other’s values and beliefs.
The 6 Core Needs of Relationships
All successful relationships have this in common. They all have their 6 core needs fulfilled in healthy and sustainable ways.
You and your partner both have the same 6 core needs, but individually, they are being satisfied in unique ways.
If you’re having relationship problems, you and your partner’s 6 core needs are unfulfilled.
Your 6 Core Needs are:
- Variety (Uncertainty)
When all 6 core needs in couples are satisfied, their relationship thrives. They’ll feel like soul mates and be eternally in love.
A feeling that your partner is more like a best friend than a life partner, is a symptom that no more than four of the six core needs are satisfied.
Sometimes people stay together despite not liking each other at all. It is usually a bond of some sort, that seems too hard to break. So they tolerate each other because it seems less painful than breaking the bond.
An example could be children. Couples often stay together for the sake of the children.
When this happens, it is because no more than two of the six core needs are being satisfied.
So if you’re experiencing relationship problems right now, consider the health of you and your partners 6 Core Needs.
I can help you both by showing how to satisfy all your partners 6 Core Needs!
A Change of Heart
Many of my clients are having relationship problems because something bad happened.
An affair, a one-night stand, loss of libido, boredom, are to name a few.
And by now, you’ll be clearer why this comes about based on what I’ve shared above.
In most cases, the “victim” is left with feelings such as anger, confusion, and sadness.
To help my client move past this, I share with them the power of a Change of Heart.
A change of heart comes around by seeing a situation from a partner’s perspective. It is about getting into a space of curiosity rather than blame or judgment. This is not a space for self-blame either.
It’s about understanding the situation and therefore better understanding how to move forwards.
Once you can see a situation from somebody else’s eyes, you put new meanings to it. And with that comes a new experience.
A change of heart creates a more forgiving attitude and can help you to overcome any relationship problems.
As a relationship specialist, I see the code in relationship problems. I have spent many hours with people and learned a lot. I’ve learned a lot from my own experiences and from those I’ve sought help and training from.
If you’re having relationship problems, I can help you.
So reach out and contact me today, to discover more about me and how I can help you.